Hold your horses! Before you get all excited about there being an actual narrative here, this is merely a little background info piece for you and a chance for me to explain what it is I now do for a living. Like an MC at a comedy club this is to get you revved up for the main event (latest Scarlett instalment) coming some time this week (when I actually finish writing the darn thing).
There seems to be some confusion as to what Body Part Art (BPA) is exactly. I’ve been asked a lot of questions about taxidermy basically. So ‘Body Part Art,’ is the brainchild of artist friend Jake and myself after a few drinks and A LOT of bitching about how we hated our jobs – Jake was an assistant to some big artist, which nowadays means the artist (should be known as a project manager) draws a sketch of an idea and the assistant has to go and do all the work i.e. build it etc. Jake spent the last eighteen months before we started BPA making giant balls out of foam and putting glitter on them. I could have mailed him to someone and ruined their life human glitter bomb that he was. Unfortunately for me he’d just come round mine and ruin my life instead. Eventually Jake and I found we were talking about BPA every time we met up. First it was a retirement plan, then it was part of a five year plan, and then we worked out the numbers and figured we could actually do this last year, so we did. We operate out of a little shipping container we call an office slash studio in an old industrial site near Hackney Wick and- wait. Sorry, I still haven’t explained what it is have I?
Okay, so the idea is that first we find a person who wants a piece of self portraiture style art done so they can hang it in their house somewhere and point to it at dinner parties or maybe hang it at their place of work if they’re an exhibitionist. Right? Then Jake takes the exhibitionist and actually paints on them. Then he gets them to pose on a canvas like a live Rorschach. Still with me? The exhibitionist is then carefully peeled off and sent away to do things like buy a piece of reclaimed furniture and drink flat whites with wifi for a few days while the talented Jake takes the basic print of their body and paints on it some more. What you end up with is a besoke self portrait silhouette but it doesn’t look stuffy like those photo real oil paintings the aristocracy have nor is it as expensive. I know you’ll think I’m just saying this but they are really good. I’ve got over twenty. Yep I’m an exhibitionist and I do like drinking flat whites and wifi as it happens so there, but I draw the line at a pencil moustache. Get it, get it??! Anyway, Jake likes to experiment on me because he says my boobs are really malleable like sacks of pudding, so I’ve actually been able to make a feature wall in my bedroom of all mine.
Here’s the trick though, pricing art is a risky game because if you go too low customers might think your product is tacky but if you go too high they might not buy it because they think you’re a wanker without a clue. With that in mind but also desperately worrying about how to make any money, I’m looking at smaller scale portraiture – I think I mentioned the bespoke dildo service we’re discussing at the moment. Trish now wants a share in the company because it was technically her idea. Terrifying. To combat this I have also come up with the idea of applying silicon moulds and plaster of paris to other body parts. Feet. That’s good isn’t it? You could use them as door stops?! Put some metal sticks in there and you’ve got yourself an original jewellry stand! Ha! I don’t know how silicon boobs would turn out, oh my God, I’ll end up with another feature wall. That is a disturbing image. I am not happy about that. Finally, we’re also looking into Hen Dos. Every Hen gets a print of her boobs and the bride gets hers for free! I know I know it’s not exactly highbrow is it? We’ll pass round champagne. There. Incidentally and rather painfully, this guy in California does a similar form of art to Jake and gets paid an absolute fortune by celebrities while we’re scrabbling around in novelty cock ornaments and boob wallpaper for women wearing flashing knobs on their heads. Needs must readers, needs must. Stop crying Jake. There, there. Anyway, I hope that’s all cleared up now and for the last time we do not deal with taxidermy so get stuffed. Get it? GET IT?! Okay seriously stop crying Jake.
Next instalment of Scarlett to follow soon(ish)…
In the mean time here are some more funny pictures of taxidermy. You’re welcome.